The narcissistic parent

I've been doing some research for a writing project and decided to share what I have found here.

1. First and foremost, a narcissistic parent sees their children as markers for themselves. A child's success validates the parent and a child's failure shames them. 
2. The narcissistic parent is relentlessly competitive. They keep a mental ledger of their status vis-a-vis others (especially their siblings) and are always ready to reward or punish their children for adding or subtracting from their perceived status.
3. They will value their children for what they do instead of who they are.
4. They will value physical appearance and effortless grace above real achievement and hard work.
5. They will manipulate their children to achieve desired results. A failure to persuade will rapidly be followed by shaming and mocking of activities and attitudes that the parent does not desire. Ultimately, rage and threats will be used. They will sometimes explode into rage when a child says or does something that embarrasses  them even if the child could not possibly have known better. In such moods, they will think nothing of trashing their own children in the eyes of others, including other family members. That this might hurt the child will not occur to the parent. 
6. Because the narcissist needs to deflect shame, the credit flows upward to the parent and blame flows down to the child. If a child succeeds it is proof of the parent is a good parent but if the child fails it is proof that the child has let the parent down. ("How could you do this to me?!")
7. They are incapable of self criticism. As above, credit (here in the form of moral authority) flows upwards to the parent and blame for any perceived moral failure flows downwards to the child.
8. As a consequence, they are phonies. This will seem so natural to them that they will not feel any need to hide or justify their double standards to their children. They are, for example, capable of saying things like, "I don't know where I went wrong" but they never actually believe they are to blame for anything. Their children quickly learn to read these questions as rhetorical; to make the mistake of taking the question literally will produce a scathing attack on the child that they will not soon forget.
9. Nowhere will this phoniness be displayed more clearly than in their morality which only directs outward. They use morals primarily to manipulate or to diminish others and the same parent who insists on seemingly "high moral standards" to get children to behave in desired ways will cheerfully overlook them in other cases. People within and outside the family who appear beautiful and/or successful in ways that are useful to the parent will not be held to account on moral matters the parent claims to hold dear. On the other hand, they will say spectacularly cruel and unfeeling things about people of whom they do not approve. 
10. As children get older, they will discover that they have been praised to others outside the family in ways that bear little relation what they were told of themselves in private. Again, it will never occur to the narcissistic parent that there is anything wrong with this. If a child confronts them with lies and exaggerations that have told about them to others, the parent will only see this as proof of how much they love their child. Likewise, tearing them down in private will be taken as love since it was "only done to improve them". 
11. They will not recognize reasonable boundaries as their children get older and will think nothing of spying on their children or intruding on their privacy. Likewise, they will think nothing of betraying their children's privacy in an attempt to recruit others into efforts to influence and manipulate their children.
12. The narcissistic parent will exclude the other parent as far as possible from the raising of their children. This will include discrediting and criticizing the other parent when speaking to their children. It will not occur to them that speaking at length to their children of the other parent's perceived weaknesses is an inappropriate thing to do.
13. This failure to grasp what is inappropriate when interacting with children coupled with an inability to build close ties with other adults (including their spouse) will lead the narcissistic parent to sometimes share things with their children that they really should only share with another adult.
14. Their first reaction upon learning of a child's struggles and setbacks will be to wonder how this reflects on them. (Often, "the family" will be used as a stand in. The child will be told to think about how this will reflect on "the family" but that will be indistinguishable for the narcissistic parent's own interests.)
15. They will have poor understanding of their own feelings and will not be very good at controlling their own feelings. (One manifestation of this will be the tendency to project their own feelings into the child: "I don't know why you are so unhappy.")
16. They will not recognize their children's feelings as valid unless they coincide with their own. (They will often use cheap "psychoanalysis" to justify this: "You're only saying this because you're insecure" or "you don't want me to be happy".)
17. Their feelings will always trump their children's needs. (The narcissistic parent can always say they love their children with perfect sincerity because "love" always means their own craving for validation.)
18. They will unhesitatingly tell their children that their status in the family is conditional on their behaving in certain ways.
19. They will play the martyr.
20. They will not encourage their children to become independent but will instead continue to control their children's choices as they grow older.